So THIS Is 25 - Part II

Yes, this is Part 2. And yes, this has been many, many months in the making. And also yes, this wasn't the intention. When I published part 1, I was fresh off antibiotics for the umpteenth time due to an infection that had quite literally ravaged my entire body. It's definitely the sickest I have ever been, even sicker than when I was fresh from surgery. I have felt pain, but never like that. Every single joint in my body hurt, from my neck to my toes. I could barely stand, let alone walk. The slightest movement hurt like hell (I think I finally get what whoever said that first meant). So, after part 1, I decided to take some time to rest. But, as the saying goes, procrastination really is the thief of time. That's why we're here, with Part 2 towards the end of the year. I hope you can accord me more grace than I've been giving myself.

I had intended for Part 2 to be a recounting of my journey to healing. However, that feels a bit disingenuous because I can't say I'm fully well. Not physically, certainly not mentally. 2024 has been the hardest, most trying year of my life. I have constantly felt like everything was out of control, constantly, in every part of my life. The state of the economy, our woefully corrupt government, the desensitization to violence & injustice. It's felt like I've been doom scrolling, but through life. Like I was playing catch-up to a game with no rules, that had no start, and no way to win. It just kept going. It still is.

So, yes, I could tell you about my post-surgical infections. I could go into great detail about the gnarly, alien-like things that came out of my nose during that time. Or the smell inside my nose, which I could describe in as excruciating detail as it was to experience with no escape. I could tell you about how I couldn't hang up my clothes to dry, how exhausted I would get trying to climb stairs, or how amidst all the fatigue, I still couldn't sleep til 4 am most nights. Perhaps, I could tell you about how I went to work once having not gotten a wink of sleep because I tossed and turned until 6 AM. I could regale you with tales of how swollen my nose would get, that I forgot for a time what it even looked like.

I could tell you all about how for many months, my body has not felt like my own. Or how, even now, I'm still dealing with chronic headaches. How I'm always tired, no matter how long I sleep. How I can't sleep without several aides. How my brain always feels like it's in a fog. How I can't seem to center myself because when I take a deep breath it feels like I'm suffocating. How there's still a random sharp pain that jolts through my left thigh arbitrarily. I could tell you about the mental toll. The exasperation. The regret. The fear. The anger.

But I won't. Not because I don't want to, or I hadn't planned to. But because I can't. Because I don't know how to explain or rationalize that all these many months later, I am still not OK. How to break down that what was described as a "minor surgery", "in and out" has turned into a nightmare that has spanned the better part of this year. The year that I had purposed to make my best one yet.

Instead, allow me to dwell on the good. Because despite how difficult this year has been, I have also learnt more about myself, and life, than ever before. It's truly like with 25, something clicked in my brain, and ironically, there was a clarity I gained that I didn't even know I never had. So I'll tell you about all the beautiful flecks of light that poked their way through the darkness. I'll tell you about my newfound appreciation for things I had long taken for granted. Because 25 might not look anything like I imagined it would, yet, somehow, it has still taught me so much.

That being said, it's quite fortuitous that I'm publishing this on the 13th on November. For starters, it's my 5 monthiversary at this big age. So I guess, it makes sense that this follow-up blog is coming when I have a bit of experience with 25 to speak of. However, what was entirely unplanned (yes, I was always going to publish this on the 13th, it didn't matter the month), is that today is also the anniversary of when I graduated. Remember the COVID virtual ceremony I mentioned? Yeah, that fever dream of a day was 4 years ago. It genuinely feels like yesterday! But, it puts so much in perspective - how much has changed since, in the world, in me. Thinking about everything that's come and gone since, I realize a lot of what was stressing me and keeping me up at night then has worked itself out. Worked together, really, for my good. And my worry, well, that served no purpose.

So what's new? For starters, I have learnt to prioritize. Not just things or tasks in order of importance. But people. Myself. My health and well-being. My peace. My space. The things and the people who bring me joy. I have seen new things I value and unmoored myself from many others. Intentionality and consideration, yes please! To know I am being thought about. To feel seen. To be taken care of when I don't know how to ask - and I rarely do. Every time someone checked in on me, every text, every call, every visit this year felt twice as meaningful. Every time someone took time out of their day to see how mine was, it was the fuel I needed to keep moving.

I have really seen the value of faith because, without it, I don't know that I would have had the strength to carry on. Faith in the One who holds my tomorrow. Faith in He who has got me this far. This year has shown me time and again, that whenever I think it's too much, or the burden is too heavy, I can still carry on. I can, I will, and I have gotten through it. And I thank God everyday for enabling me to.

I have learnt the importance of family - blood and found. I saw the value of building and being part of a community. Cultivating a village. I saw it with my parent's friends who ensured I could get my surgery paid for and got the best care possible from my doctor. I saw it in the friends and family who dropped everything and visited me at home while I was recovering. In the food and fruit they brought, even though my appetite was shot and I could barely enjoy it. I saw it in the comfort of their company, if for nothing else but to silence the wails of worry that solitude brings. I saw it in my friends, who reached out daily, asking for updates from far away, powerless to help, but concerned anyway. To be seen and to be considered, I have learned, is to be well and truly loved. And boy, I am loved!

2024 has also given me a newfound appreciation for me. Allow me to be a bit vain, I think I've earned it. This year, I have fallen in love with me. With the parts of me I hate, and the parts of me I'd never seen. I have struggled with self-confidence for many years. I used to be a very confident child. Unburdened by the weight of people's shallow perceptions and nay-saying opinions. But I allowed people to "humble" me the older I got. Cut me down to size. Dictate how I should see myself with the fat shaming veiled as "umekuwa mkubwa" and the gauking at my skin when the acne came in and didn't leave.

Not anymore. I am finding myself, and I'm loving what I'm seeing. My flabby thighs, and my eyes that aren't the same size, and my receding hairline (thank you traction alopecia from knotless braids), and my chipped tooth that adds personality to my smile, and my stubby fingers, and my chubby cheeks, and my not-so-likkle belly, and my voice on recordings, and on, and on, and on. For the first time in a long time, I love all of me. Perhaps, it's because of everything my body has been through this year. Maybe it's my frontal lobe being fully formed. Or maybe it was the video I watched (on TikTok of course) where someone asked how you can serve a God who makes no mistakes but with you, you think He made an error. Either way, it has felt like meeting me for the first time. Only with a familiar youthful abandon and a much lighter gait.

More than anything else, this year has shown me the value of adaptability. That plans change, the future you plan doesn't always come to be, and where you see yourself isn't always where you'll go. Or where you should go. And that's OK. I'm a type A personality, so change is not one of my strong suits. I plan meticulously. For the hour, the day, the week, the month. If my friends and I are planning something, I'm taking the lead, because it means I have control. I'm not the type of person to just let go or go with the flow. Not knowing has never been part of the fun for me. But this year has been a great lesson in surrendering control. I tried to plan so many things and spent valuable time obsessing over them, but that still didn't change the outcome.

As the year comes to a close and I take stock, I know this isn't where I wanted to be, or thought I would be - professionally, socially, romantically, mentally, emotionally. But I also know that I am still here. I am still learning. I am still growing. And I have a lot to be thankful for. 25 may have been a milestone, yes, but it wasn't a finish line like I'd painted it out to be in my mind. It's a chapter like others have been in my story, and I'm nowhere near done writing that.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes from Paulo Coelho's 'The Zahir', "I don't need to carry the weight of my whole history on my shoulders."

Going into 2025, I won't be carrying the weight of expectations about what has yet to come either.

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With that not-so-brief soliloquy, allow me to segue. When I turned 25, I asked only one gift of my friends - for them to tell me about their 25th year. And, of course, allow me to feature that here. I asked for a paragraph, a page, or whatever they could wrangle, even if that was nothing. Thankfully, there was no nothing. Again, these were meant to come in July, as a postlude to my experiences at 25. I've taken so long to share these, they stopped asking about it. This will come as a surprise to them too. I had to scroll through weeks of texts just to find the links and messages they sent.

So, the next series of stories are not from me, by me, or about me. But they are from my nearest and dearest who have seen me through the past 8 years. I felt like I couldn't really celebrate 25, without celebrating these ladies who I look up to immensely, and whose love and support have been a constant in my life from our first day of university. Happy graduation anniversary to them too by the way!

These next stories are their experiences at 25, the things they've learnt, the feelings they've felt (and not felt), the advice they'd give, and the things they looked forward to after 25. Due to how long it's taken me to share these, I've decided to share them everyday until the weekend, lest I procrastinate my way into 2025 still talking about turning 25. Keep an eye out for that.

I trust you'll enjoy what they had to say, as you look forward to, or reminisce about, your 25th year too.